Category Archives: Family Footprints

Sharing Adventures

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We met at the same time our kids did.  Erik and Katie were on their high school Nordic ski team, Betsy and I were team moms – baking brownies, holding out warming capes for the kids in their spandex racing suits, riding the team bus and cheering at the meets.  As the spark grew between our young skiers, so did the friendship between the two parent couples.  Sharing a wedding ceremony between our children cemented the bonds for all of us.

When Amazon lured Erik and Katie out to Seattle two years ago, I wondered how they would feel about living in a temperate climate, leaving behind Minnesota winters and skiing.  Little did I know that it would only be the beginning of mountain adventures for them, including skiing, snowshoeing, ski mountaineering and (gulp!) avalanche training.  Enticed by the stunning snowy mountain photos, I spent a week with them last winter including a picture-perfect day snowshoeing on Mt. Rainier.  I was hooked – I had to do it again.  And I knew the perfect companion.

“Say Betsy, how about Moms trip to Seattle?”  That’s all it took.

The plan was to hike or snowshoe together during the week while Erik and Katie worked.  For the weekend, the kids had something special arranged – three days skiing in The Methow, the largest cross-country ski trail system in North America, in the Cascade Mountains.  Not only that, but they had snagged a cancellation for one of the highly sought-after ski-in huts for our first night. 

We left in the dark, bleary-eyed but excited at 5am.  By 10am we were at the trailhead, and loaded our overnight gear in a sled for the snowmobile tow service.  Mountains of sleeping bags, food, water and clothing zoomed off as we – accompanied by pooch Finley – skied up the trail.  I looked up at the surrounding peaks, snow laden and glistening in the sun as my skis slid over the snow.  It just didn’t feel real!

That first day was magical.  The grooming was impeccable and we skied companionably in a group taking it all in.  Our hut was at the top end of our portion of the trail system, dictating we climb most of the way to get there.  Our original plan had been to ski up to the hut, relax over some lunch then venture out again.  But it was far too enticing to just continue skiing and cover more of the trails.  We didn’t have a morsel of food with us, but our hunger for the trails was stronger.  Onward we went.

There are five ski-in huts in all and we made it a point to stop and explore the locale of several others.  The clear favorite was Rendezvous hut, with spectacular views.  It speaks for itself.

The trails are groomed for both classic and skate skiing.  The others classic skied, and Betsy skijored with Finley.  I chose to skate ski, vainly hoping it would help me keep up.  But speed was not of the essence on this trip.  It was all about the experience.

By the time we reached Heifer Hut, we had skied 27 kilometers and were ready to settle into our rustic quarters.  It was perched on the mountainside surrounded by stately pines.  Leaning our skis against the wood exterior, we eagerly went inside to explore.  A woodstove, bench and double bunks lined one side, and on the other was a kitchen area with a propane stove and a table with benches.  A ladder led to the loft where three more double mattresses awaited.  The propane lights reminded me of Coleman lanterns, and were supplemented with solar lights fueled by a tiny solar panel. With the woodshed and outhouse across the way it had everything we needed,

Getting the fire started was our first order of business, along with fixing some food.  Hot tea and snacks refueled us enough to unpack, claim bunks and stash our gear. Soon it was cozy inside, and we traded our ski wear for comfy cabin clothes.  The remainder of the afternoon and evening passed quickly, with hot wild rice soup and fixings followed by lively rounds of Hearts played around the table.

Erik and I were the first ones up in the morning, and donned snowshoes to explore the terrain behind the cabin with Finley.  We meandered in deep powder, sunshine and silence, the perfect start to the morning.  Katie and Betsy joined us, and Erik headed inside to prepare breakfast.  I think those were the best pancakes I’ve ever eaten!

If reaching the cabin was all uphill, it meant our second day was the opposite!  Erik and Finley took off down the black diamond trail back to meet the snowmobile at the car while Katie, Betsy and I skied to a distant trailhead where we would meet them.  Erik managed to ski up to us en route, and we sent him off to get in some good fast kilometers (in prep for the Birkie), and he still caught us again just before we finished.  We completed the day with a low key snowshoe on Patterson Lake before heading off to our hotel in Winthrop. 

For our final day, we chose the opposite end of the trail system near Mazama.  There we skied in the valley, on trails that more closely resembled Minnesota.  The gentler trails passed through woods and open fields, where we were reminded of our locale with mountain views once again.  While we had encountered few skiers the prior two days, the easy access and terrain of this area invited many more skiers including families.  We skied a number of different loops before our departure time drew near. 

While we were sad to see the skiing and weekend come to an end, talk quickly turned to next year.  Betsy and I were hooked.  Clearly we have more shared adventures already looming in the future.

A Matter of Degrees

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“You might not want to come home just yet.”

We heard this refrain from multiple people before flying home from Hawaii.  After basking in the sunshine and tropical near 80° temperatures for two weeks, we were returning to a severe Minnesota cold snap.  Double digits below zero at night, with days barely creeping above zero dominated that first week at home.

I used to think nothing of going out in that weather to cross-country ski or plunder the snow in some fashion, but age has weakened my tolerance.  I have set new limits for my outdoor excursions, willing to brave the cold but not the frigid.  The huge climate swing between Hawaii and Duluth heightened my aversion.

That first week back, just traveling from front door to garage was enough to strengthen my resolve.  I knew the blue sky and strong sunshine were false signals, enough to lift my spirits but not the temperature.  I sought refuge in the Y swimming pool, choosing laps over the ski trails.

I might have remained in my cocoon had it not been for my son, Carl.  “Mom, I’m in dire need of a winter adventure.  I’m thinking of taking our two oldest kids to the cabin for a weekend.  Are you interested?”

“I’m in!” came my speedy reply.  Rich was intrigued and the plan morphed into renting a cabin on Thousand Island Lake in the UP for a long weekend.

With over 30” of snow on the ground, it was the perfect winter playground, but -15° when we rose the first morning.  The kids begged and pleaded to go outside but Carl held firm until it the temp inched closer to zero.  By 10am even I was eager to get out there.  We all donned our heaviest jackets, snowpants and boots and bolted out the door.  For the next hour we went sledding, tromped on the frozen lake and unearthed the playground equipment from the heavy snow.  Exhilarating.

By early afternoon I was ready to tackle the local ski trails. The Sylvania Outfitter trails in Watersmeet featured narrow classic tracks that wound through the woods.  I found myself enjoying the sun’s rays alternating with shadows across the trail and the ground undulating beneath my skis.  I had to smile when the double tracked bits split, leaving a patch of trees in the middle.  It wasn’t a system for speed, and I puttered along without haste.  Somehow the 6° temperature was immaterial.

Carl was eager to explore the Sylvania Wilderness Area which is like a mini-Boundary Waters.  After he took a long circle route through the frozen lakes and portages, I donned snowshoes for my turn.  With only a snapshot of an online map, I decided it was easier to follow his tracks than try to navigate on my own.  Once I left the popular ice fishing bay behind, I tromped out onto a sea of white, broken only by Carl’s backcountry HOK skis, flanked by forest.  I didn’t have to think, I could let my mind wander along with my feet.  My body warmed with the effort, and as my confidence grew I ventured from Carl’s path and managed to find the portage into a small untouched lake.  Winter wonderland indeed.

In between all that fresh air and activity we had plenty of time to enjoy cabin life with the kids.  It didn’t take long before cars and trucks competed for floor space with wild animals, and stuffed animal friends lay strewn everywhere.  We read books, snuggled on the couch by the too-warm fire, and worked Maren’s first jigsaw puzzle together.  Make-your-own pizza night was a hit with everyone.  Carl and I sweated in the steamy sauna each night.

A flashlight walk revealed how different everything looks in the dark!  And Carl caught the first rays of sunshine skiing on the lake in the early mornings.

It took the right incentive to get me outside, beyond my boundaries and back into winter mode.  The enthusiasm of Carl and the kids forced me back out of my comfort zone and reminded me how much I do love winter.  Cold or not.  I know now, it’s only a matter of degrees.

From Alaska to Hawaii

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The year was 2009.  Our middle child, Carl, had just graduated from college, and our tradition was to take the new graduate on a week-long trip of their choosing.  Just them and us. A final hurrah before they went out into the world on their own.

This comes from my journal of the trip, the first week of August:

Carl chose to go to Alaska, and wanted to stay in rustic places and have an active vacation.  So we lined up an itinerary that included hiking, kayaking and fishing.  We chose accommodations that were primarily cabins with a lodge and B&B thrown in – perhaps a little less primitive than Carl originally had in mind, which was a compromise for traveling with Mom and Dad.

Our trip started out on the Kenai Peninsula, south of Anchorage.  We stayed in the very small town of Hope, off the main highway on the Turnagain Arm.  That turned out to be our favorite lodging of the trip, at Bowman’s Bear Creek Lodge.  They had 5 log cabins, which were around a small pond, and ours also had the creek running behind it.  They were very basic cabins, just for sleeping and relaxing, with a bathhouse shared by all the lodgers.  We rather liked that, because it limited the guests to people like us who like things simple but in beautiful surroundings.  They also had a little café, which served fabulous food.  Our first dinner of the trip was on their outdoor deck – at 8:00 at night it was still warm enough and plenty light to eat outside.  Carl and I chose fresh salmon, which was as good as promised.  What a great start to the trip!

Our hosts at the lodge were Kent and Melanie Bowman.  We took to them immediately, and loved their approach to life which was embodied in a “free spirit” canoe that floated in the pond.  “If you can catch it, feel free to paddle around.”  Kent provided us with great advice on renting kayaks, fishing spots and knowledge about the general locale.

We spent three nights at Bowman’s Lodge, keeping active and enjoying our downtime just hanging around, playing cards, reading and lighting a bonfire late at night when it was finally close to dark.

When we left the Kenai Peninsula it felt like we were old friends with Kent and Melanie by then.  They had given us lots of ideas and recommendations – all of it good. 

The remainder of our trip brought additional adventures, sights and places to explore and precious alone time with Carl.  We stayed in other great places, but Bowman’s still stood out as a highlight.

That could have been the end of the story.  But it wasn’t.

Enter FaceBook, that love it or hate it app that connects people everywhere.  I don’t know who friended whom, but Rich and Kent soon became FB Friends and kept in touch.  Tired of hearing news second hand, I too friended Kent.  So it was that I happened on a series of comments that drew my attention.

After working many years on the North Slope in the winters, Kent promised Melanie they would move somewhere warm when he was done with that gig.  He was as good as his word and had posted a photo of the home and extensive land they had bought on the Big Island of Hawaii.  It also included a guesthouse.

It was Rich’s comment below the post that drew my attention, which went something like this:

That looks gorgeous!  We might have to go over and stay there!

Now I’ve always been interested in going to Hawaii, but Rich was not so inclined.  Seizing my opportunity I entered the fray:

I saw that, Rich.  You’re on!

A few years and Covid intervened, but Rich also kept his word.  For our inaugural trip to Hawaii we booked into Bowman’s Big Island Guesthouse for 10 days.

Nestled next to Lava Tree State Park near Pahoa, Bowman’s is a paradise all its own.  Entering through a set of private gates, we drove onto their six-plus acres of land and encountered a private retreat.  Expansive grounds surround their house, outdoor living area and other outbuildings, including the guesthouse and a gazebo for guests’ use.  Dotted with palm trees, flowering plants, gardens, greenhouse and a chicken coop (including an early rising rooster) it feels like an oasis.  It is bordered by thick jungly greenery, enhancing the privacy of the space.

Kent and Melanie greeted us with open arms and our friendship was immediately refreshed.  The change in locale only enhanced their friendly helpful approach to hosting, and we loved catching up on the new climate and lifestyle they have adopted.

The simplicity of the guesthouse is in perfect keeping with island life.  Surrounded by windows, open to the breezes, light fans circling overhead, and enough kitchen amenities to be self-sufficient, it meets all our needs.  The large front porch and gazebo provide extended living spaces.  Dining by tiki light has become a favorite of ours.

We are just a couple of miles from Pahoa, which is a delightful small town that boasts multiple coffee shops, some good restaurants, and even a free 50-meter community pool.  It feels right to be nestled a distance from cities, high-rise hotels and crowds.  This is the Hawaii we came to experience.  Life feels slower here.  There’s no need to rush anywhere. 

Being located on the east side of the island, the wet side, means that we are in the midst of lush greenery, with humid weather and occasional showers.  Okay, and sometimes big downpours. The only sounds in the yard are those provided by nature.  The wind in the trees and the rustling of palm branches is all I hear in the background, accompanied by birdsong and the chickens. Nights are profoundly silent.

Just as Bowman’s Bear Creek Lodge defined its guests by its unique set of amenities, the Big Island Guesthouse will also appeal to a specific type of traveler. For us, it’s the perfect fit. And brought us all the way from Alaska to Hawaii.

A Labor of Love

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It starts in September. I begin trolling the fabric stores looking for just the right fleece. The holiday prints start appearing then, and I know I have to act fast when I find the right one. Something cute and Christmasy, with small enough prints to be recognizable on a baby yet still appeal to an almost-teenager. This year, the perfect fabric jumps out at me – I just have to have it.

But first I have to do my homework. Grandkids grow each year, so I need to solicit the moms for current sizes. Then there are adjustments. Extra length in the legs for this one, slimmer through the body for most, feet or no feet. The almost-teen has aged out of the one-piece model, and wants fleece jammie pants. A new pattern is introduced.

Then the guessing begins. Seven Grammy Jammies adds up to 11.5 yards of fleece fabric. But combining all those pieces on the fabric means I can fit them on a smaller yardage – the question is how much less? My search turns up only small quantities in each store, so I take a leap of faith and go online to order a whole bolt of fabric, 10 yards.

Soon my kitchen island turns into a conveyor line. I roll the fabric across its massive length over and over again, laying out all the pattern pieces, breathing a sigh when they all fit with room to spare. Taking a deep breath, I dive in with weights, scissors and ruler, cutting and collecting the pieces child by child, designated by post-it note names.

The best part is yet to come. With the necessary logistics behind me, I can finally thread my machine and commence sewing. I start with the largest ones first, as they take the most time and I can finish each set in less time. This year adding my new serger into the mix lets me zip through those long seams, assembling and binding in one pass.

One by one, the jammies come together and join their partners on the couch. They are usually completed within a week, and already I visualize them snuggling the little bodies of my grandchildren.

Grammy Jammies are always presented around Thanksgiving so they can be worn during the lead up to Christmas. And it has to be in person. By now, the contents of my fabric gift bags are no secret, and the kids dive in to reveal the newest model.















As the calendar turns to December, I begin the second round. Each grandchild has a special Friend who also wears jammies, which are gifted for Christmas. It all started long ago, and in some ways is my favorite part of this whole project. The first two Friends were uniquely shaped, and required quite a bit of ingenuity to develop a pattern. But after standardizing on cuddly JellyCats, I was able to replicate the same size across the remaining Friends.

That is until Isabel had an urgent need to clothe “tiny bear” as well. Measuring under 6″ tall, it was an exercise in miniaturization, but I took on the challenge.

This year we were able to assemble the whole family for a special New Years weekend together in Milwaukee. A chaotic photo op ensued, capturing 15 Grammy Jammies in all. And lots of love.

What was I thinking?

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The box lingered in the corner, untouched. Its factory tape still in tact. The large cardboard cube became invisible over time, as all things do when left alone. I passed it numerous times a day without giving it a thought. Yet at the same time, its very existence hung over my head.

I had wrestled with the idea for months. At first it prickled, then it pestered, then visions formed on how I could bring it to reality. Until one day I just did it. I walked into the sewing machine shop and bought myself a new serger.

I had survived seven years without the specialty sewing machine that breezes through knit fabrics, rendering t-shirts, sweatsuits, leggings, shorts, pajamas and even swimsuits in a flash. Its mastery over ribbed cuffs and necklines brought professional finishes to all these garments. For years I clothed myself and my children in custom outfits for mere pennies and large helping of personal satisfaction.

Matching family outfits so we could find one another at Disney World

That trusty machine soldiered on for years, then lay dormant when those little children went off to college and moved on to real jobs. But I brought it back into service to finish the edges of the cloth napkins for my son Carl’s wedding reception. It was on the 240th napkin that it ground to a halt – about a dozen napkins short. The repair shop delivered the harsh news, it had met its demise. My years of sewing had completely worn out the parts inside. Fortunately, the final guest count did not exceed 240.

Rich offered to buy me a new machine on the spot, but I declined. After being idled for so many years, I was uncertain I would make use of it. And so I laid the idea to rest. Or did I?

Perhaps it was my annual Grammy Jammie sewing spree that unearthed the thought again. The possibility that older grandchildren might soon opt out of slipper jammies and prefer something lighter drifted into my thoughts. And even Grammy Jammies could benefit from the bound seams the serger produces. As I picked out knit dresses for my 5 and 6 year old granddaughters for Christmas, cousins who refuse to wear anything but dresses, the niggling truth lingered. I could make these. So easily, with a serger.

Visions of resurrecting my old sewing life danced before my eyes. Just think of all the cute outfits I could make for them! And then the other voice intervened. What about my writing? Would this usurp the hours I had formerly designated for writing? Is this a delay tactic, to put off getting back to writing my book? I tried to silence the mental arguments.

So the box loitered. I couldn’t open it before Christmas, as I knew it would unleash a mountain of tasks. Choose new patterns, figure out sizes, buy fabric, cut out garment pieces. Worse yet would be the learning curve. Sergers are notoriously finicky machines and I had a brand new model to master. I had no intention of spoiling my family holidays with a new obsession.

Weeks went by. Then, in the depth of our latest cold snap I took the plunge. Tearing the tape off the box, I extracted the thick manual, then shut it again. Just flipping through the pages of instructions in three languages sent my eyes rolling back in my head. But I went ahead and bought fabric anyway, and cut out a little girl dress. Then I watched the instructional DVD. Taking a deep breath I returned to the box, lifted out the squeaky styrofoam, lugged the heavy machine to my workspace, and stared it down. Perhaps this wasn’t such a great idea after all. I would wait until morning to do battle when I was fresh.

To my great joy, the serger came already threaded. That alleviated one huge hurdle right away. Until I jammed the fabric in the machine and had to rethread the gnarliest of the four threads. But my confidence soared when I was able to return the stitches to finely tuned regularity. I continued to practice throughout the morning, tweaking tension, adjusting the differential, eyeballing the seam allowance and honing my technique.

Eventually the moment of truth arrived. It was time to sew for real. Sergers are not at all forgiving when it comes to mistakes, so my heart thumped and my throat tightened as I fed the dress pieces under the presser foot and pushed down on the pedal. One seam led to another. I successfully married the ribbing with the neckline and attached sleeves and skirt. The familiar loud thumping of the machine (as opposed to the sweet hum of a regular sewing machine) brought it all back. My fingers remembered what to do, and my eyes guided the fabric. And in short order I had a completed dress.

Maybe it wasn’t such a hairbrained idea after all.

It’s Been a While

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“Would you like to bike to Lakes Park with me?” Rich asked.

On the surface it was a simple question. It’s a nice park about six miles from our AirBnB in Ft. Myers. The route is totally flat, with bike trail all the way. The afternoon was sunny and warm, inviting for an outdoor activity.

For eight years we bike toured at least once a year, usually for up to a month at a time, covering around 1,000 miles. Hopping on our bikes together was ingrained in our retirement lifestyle. When we weren’t touring, we were still out there training or just staying in shape. We took it for granted.

But yesterday’s question was not simple. It carried a depth of meaning that was not lost on me. Since Rich’s open-heart surgery over a year ago, he has been fighting his way back to health and persistently pushing to increase his endurance. He no longer takes anything for granted. Nor do I.

I couldn’t remember the last time we biked together. I looked it up in my sports tracking app. The answer – August 31, 2020. That was just over a month before his heart took him down on the trail. Back when there were signs that we missed, when workouts were harder for him but we had no idea why. When we blamed it on getting older. Yet he persevered, and we went on a nice ride in Grand Marais. I didn’t know it would be our last for so long.

Throughout his recovery, Rich insisted he had to fight his own battles. Overcome his demons on his own. He doggedly went out trail running and passed the spot where he went down, his recovering heart pounding as hard as it could as the haunting memory swept over him. He got back on his bike when the weather warmed, walking the hills when he didn’t have the stamina to pedal up them. “Slow and steady” was his mantra. Each time I offered to go with him, I got the same response. “I have to conquer this on my own.” Admittedly, sometimes I set out for my own ride on the same route a little later, just to reassure myself he was still upright, on his way home.

Rich was told that the mental game would be just as hard as the physical side of his recovery. Not knowing how much his body has left to give and the extent of his long-term prospects for active sports has been hard.

Facing all this has clouded my horizon as well. Rich’s uncertainties leave me feeling adrift. What does all this mean for our future? Our mutual love of outdoor active pursuits hangs in limbo. It used to be a no-brainer to dream up vacations that revolved around cross-country skiing, canoeing, kayaking, cycling and hiking. How much of that remains within our reach? It’s understandable that Rich’s interest may wane with his abilities. The gulf between our abilities has plunged us into uncharted territory.

And the big question still looms: Will we ever be able to resume bike touring? I still long for those days in the saddle, grappling with weather conditions, the incredible views from the seats of our bikes, the wonderful people we meet along the way, and the sense of empowerment from traveling under own own steam. I can’t accept that it’s the end just yet. Only time will tell.

Rich’s question really marked a milestone. For the first time, he was willing to share his ride. Which really meant sharing his new reality. Riding with him would allow me to personally witness his capabilities.

Cycling down the driveway, I settled into place behind him, allowing him to set the pace and curbing my urge to forge ahead – an issue even in normal times. The sense of familiarity and normalcy was overwhelming, yet I recognized it as a gift. I was also impressed. Rich kept up a good pace, better than I anticipated. Clearly his efforts were paying off.

When Google misled us on the distance to the park, and the round-trip turned out to be closer to 16 miles than 12, I could see Rich tiring on the way home. He doggedly pushed his pedals to complete the ride, and still carried his bike up the 16 steps to our 2nd floor abode. But not without a cost. I witnessed the weakness imposed by his heart. A good lesson, grounding me.

But the ride held more significance. It was a measure of just how far he’s come. More and more often, I hear Rich utter “I never could have done that a few months ago.” Which I take as a good omen for the future. For our future. He’s fighting a good fight and winning. I’m already looking forward to our next bike ride. This time I don’t expect it to be such a long while.

Back by Popular Demand

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“Did you make Grammy Jammies this year?” 

Ben in the first Jammies 2010

The frequency of the question came as a surprise.  Apparently my annual sewing spree has spawned a following. It’s nice to know that a simple, homespun and creative work of love can capture an audience. Amidst the stress and anxiety surrounding our Covid-laden lives, it’s heartwarming to be able to contribute some whimsy to the world.

The answer is “Of course!”

What started with a single pair of slipper jammies 11 years ago has blossomed into seven pairs of Grammie Jammies and six Grammie Jammies for special friends this year. Thinking that a newborn was a bit young to have adopted a favorite friend yet, I added a matching stuffed animal to the assembly for him.

With each passing year, the kids get older, the Jammies bigger and I hold my breath as I check with the oldest ones to see if they are still “in.” Now topping out at 11 and 9, I realize this ritual may be nearing the end of its lifespan for them. But this year they came up with their own creative solution. “Can we have them without feet?”

“Yes! I can certainly do that!” and the tradition lives on.

I admit that I let this venture consume my fall. Once the Jammies are all cut and ready to sew, my obsessive side comes out. I develop tunnel vision, waking only to ponder how many Jammies I can complete by the end of the day. I feed material through the machine, clip threads, insert zippers, zigzag seams, top stitch, stretch ribbing, wind the bobbin and start new spools of thread all the day long. Admittedly, I still do my share of ripping out stitches and do-overs as well. Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

To date, I’ve made 51 pairs of Grammy Jammies, out of 16 different patterns of fleece. Expanding into friend Jammies four years ago adds another 20 miniature Jammies. Taking the numbers game even farther, here’s what it took to produce this year’s Grammy Jammies:

  • 13 zippers
  • 9 yards of fleece fabric
  • 5/8 yard ribbing fabric
  • Gripper foot fabric
  • 1 snap
  • 3 large spools of thread
  • 3 old Kwik Sew patterns, sizes newborn to kids XL
  • 1 44 year old sewing machine

By now the kids all know what comes in fabric bags, and I’m always as excited as they are when the latest creations are unveiled. And the best part is snuggling in together, surrounded by soft fleece clad bodies and a whole lot of love. Just like what went into the Jammies.

I can only hope that they will be back by popular demand again next year!

Where has it gone?

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Shrieks of laughter emanate from Rich’s office. High pitched voices interrupt one another vying for attention. I hear splashing, squealing, complaining and taunting. The sounds of children playing. Our children. Long, long ago. A smile travels across my face.

Rich is finally tackling the long avoided task of converting all our old family video tapes to digital format. Just finding the equipment to do it was a challenge. He searched hard before finding an outdated working VCR player on eBay, and installed a conversion software kit on his PC. He then hauled in the huge box of tapes that has been hibernating in our garage. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

This conversion requires playing each tape, one by one. The drama is displayed in a small square on his computer screen complete with sound, while the software creates a digital file. Miniature Karens, Carls and Eriks parade across the screen – playing, blowing out birthday candles, building forts in the woods at the cabin, throwing sand out of the sandbox, and singing. The stuff that makes up a young family’s life.

We didn’t own a video camera for years. Instead, we’d rent a massive camcorder from the video store and let it roll all weekend long just capturing ordinary life with kids. The bad as well as the good, the tantrums along with the tender moments. Sometimes there were guest appearances. “Oh look whose here now!” Rich yells from his office, and I go in to see my parents or his – looking young and lively, poignant as they have long since passed. Or our beloved long-term day care provider, the kids’ cousins, our Czech daughter. It’s a treasure-trove of memories.

Day after day these scenes play as Rich works his way through the box. The cheery voices get older and younger again as he grabs tapes in random order. But that’s not all that strikes me.

Rich usually did the filming with an animated running commentary throughout the action. I’d appear on camera with the kids, or as a voice in the background. And occasionally I’d take over to capture Rich with the kids. Our voices sound younger too. And there is an element of playfulness, of engagement with the kids, of a lively family life. One I’d forgotten existed.

We’ve been on our own for years now, having launched our three grown children and adopting the good life as retirees. We’ve become accustomed to our well ordered life, with plenty of time to indulge our own passions, often out and about individually all day long and reconnecting over dinner.

And then came Covid, topped by Rich’s heart condition. Life narrowed. Social contact shriveled. Travel ceased.

As Covid drones on and Rich slowly recovers, I have begun to feel that the joy of life has been sucked out of me. That hunkering down and withdrawing from the world has dampened my lust for life. That I may even be getting accustomed to the small circle we have drawn around our sphere of activity. The quiet nights at home, drawn into the lives of British or Australian TV series.

Spending time with my kids and grandkids only seems to reinforce this feeling. Their vibrant family lives feel in such contrast to my own. I do my best to soak up the giggles and the snuggles. To relish playing games, building with Legos, concocting Paw Patrol rescues and reading aloud. To find time to connect one-on-one with my kids and let their resourcefulness inspire me.

Hearing Rich and me on those tapes brings it all back. We too were fun-loving parents at one time. We played with our kids, engaged with them on their level and had great adventures together. I am heartened by this evidence. And I hear its message reinforced with each tape that plays through Rich’s computer, sending its voices out to find me.

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I can’t help but wonder where the playfulness has gone? When did we get so serious? Is this what happens when you grow old? My spirit rebels, knowing it doesn’t have to be this way. I will fight back.

Surrounded by Love

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It seemed a simple request. Our whole family planned to gather in the Twin Cities for the wedding of a dear family friend. Pulling from Milwaukee, Seattle and Duluth as well as the Cities, it has become increasingly rare that we can assemble our numbers in one place. So it was the perfect opportunity to get a family photo for our Christmas card. Too many times I leave thinking, “Oh shoot! We forgot to get a family picture!” I wasn’t going to let that happen again.

My daughter, Karen, whose bedrooms would fill hosting most of us, had it covered. “Mom, leave it to me. I have a friend who does fabulous family photography. I’ll arrange it all with her.”

“I don’t want fancy. Not in our wedding clothes, I want to do this beforehand, just informal, outside.”

“You got it,” Karen said.

Karen sent out clothing photos ahead of time. “Here’s a palate of colors to work with,” she told family members. She followed with “I don’t want this to be stressful for anyone, so if you don’t have quite the these colors – bring something close and we’ll roll with it.”

We all assembled in French Park at noon, and looked remarkably color coordinated without appearing to have done so. As we trooped down the path and crossed the bridge over a small creek, I looked back to see the stream of family members happily ambling along. My heart swelled, just seeing my family stretch into the distance. Nobody was chafing at having to dress up. Kids were being kids. Grown-ups loosely herded them along.

Katherine, the photographer, met us in the picnic area by the lake. Straight away she began engaging the kids, at the same time scouting good locations to shoot in the brilliant noonday sun. We had asked for a variety of family groupings, and she mustered the troops to mix and match the pairings and keep things going.

Instead of being a tedious exercise in gaining cooperation, of teasing out smiles, of cajoling kids to come sit still, we were in constant motion. We giggled and teased. We tickled and chased. We squeezed, climbed trees, held kids upside down and played together. Laughter reigned.

It felt SOOOO good!

All the while, Katherine captured the moments. Lots of them. The traditional and the silly. The poignant and the unexpected. The cute and the lovely. Not surprisingly, the kids stole the show, but I still got my Christmas card photo – if only I can decide which one to use!

It turned out to be the highlight of my weekend, despite all the other moments spent together. And I have all the photos to bring back the joy of that sunny Saturday gathering.

You needn’t take my word for it. You be the judge.

Thank you Kate Dawn Photography, for surrounding me with love!

For more of her work, visit her Facebook page.

She’s still my Mom

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It was 10 years ago today, but I remember the moment vividly. It was a crisp summer morning, with blue sky and fluffy clouds drifting over the back yard of our church where we were attending an outdoor service. Rich’s phone vibrated in his pocket. It stopped, then came to life again, so he surreptitiously glanced at the screen. “It’s your mom’s caregiver.” She never called Rich, but my phone was silenced. Our eyes met.

Slipping inside, I dialed her number.  Sue was one of our precious caregivers.  The small dedicated group of women who took Mom into their hearts and adopted her as family.  Who saw that she was dressed exquisitely each morning, and lovingly quaffed her silver-gray hair.  Who enabled Mom to stay in her own home as Alzheimer’s ravaged her memory and 91 years weakened her body.  I’ve forgotten Sue’s words, but the message was clear.  Mom was leaving us. 

We didn’t make it in time.  We hadn’t even reached the edge of the Twin Cities when the next call came from Duluth to tell us she was gone.  As we drove, I made tearful calls to each of the kids to tell them Grandma had died.  Although we had lost her years earlier to dementia, this moment added the burden of finality.

Ten years later I continue to sift through the memories.  Those from my childhood play like an old video in my mind, scenes on a screen that I watch as a smile creeps across my face. High school stirs images of Mom’s unwavering support and high expectations.  College evokes the sense of growing wings, of taking Mom’s life lessons and using them to make my own way in the world.

But it is the adult connections that remain the most vivid.  The years when she was a vibrant senior, independent and actively engaged in life.  When we could plan outings together, share common perspectives, even travel to England together.  If I’m honest, it’s probably when she was in my current stage of life.  She was long past raising her four children, and still had miles to go before it would be our turn to be caretakers for her.  When I think of Mom, I don’t picture her as a lithe young mother, nor as a dependent octogenarian.  I recall her grace, style and spirit as she navigated the world on her own terms in her golden years.

It is a startling realization as I reflect on my own station in life.  Am I making the most of these years?  Is this how my children will remember me, with my own silver-gray hair?  For certain I have inherited that trait from Mom.  I can only hope I carry on more than that.

I still think of Mom each time I pass her house.  I still seek her approval when making decisions.  Still yearn for her presence and knowing smile in the big moments of my life.  I can’t help myself when I wonder what Mom would think, what words of advice she might offer.  Ten years later, she’s still my Mom.